Papież: Różnice pomiędzy wersjami

Z Nonsensopedii, polskiej encyklopedii humoru
M (-redlink (siostrzane))
Linia 9: Linia 9:
W celu uproszczenia powyższego naukowo-encyklopedycznego języka można porównać papieża do Papy Smerfa. Jego zadaniem jest wyznaczać prawa, pilnować i bronić tłumu małych, naiwnych, niebieskich stworków przed wysłańcami złych mocy.
W celu uproszczenia powyższego naukowo-encyklopedycznego języka można porównać papieża do Papy Smerfa. Jego zadaniem jest wyznaczać prawa, pilnować i bronić tłumu małych, naiwnych, niebieskich stworków przed wysłańcami złych mocy.


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== Obecny papież ==
{{main|[[Franciszek (papież)]]}}
Obecny papież jest miłym, starszym panem rodem z Argentyny. Przybrał imię [[Franciszek (papież)|Franciszek]], co sugeruje, że będzie kontynuował dzieło św. Franciszka, czyli między innymi wspierał działalność na rzecz ubogich i potrzebujących. Dodatkowo wiadomo, że należał do zakonu jezuitów, co wieszczy to, że będzie biczem bożym i będzie nader chętnie wspierał najważniejszy sport w Watykanie – [[palenie czarownic]] i [[Herezja|heretyków]].


== Przysłowia ==
== Przysłowia ==

Wersja z 00:06, 6 lis 2020

Papież posiada niezwykłą moc
Papież w zimie dorabia sobie jako święty Mikołaj

Ja w przeciwieństwie do papieża, jestem katolikiem!

Janusz Korwin Mikke o papieżu

Papież (z sanskr. „papa” – grzech, wat. papjesch) – męska forma od papieżyca, a osobowa od papier. Władca państwa Watykańskiego, w którym jest on monarchą absolutnie absolutnym i nieomylnym, do tego utrzymuje, że ma tę władzę z woli Boga[1]. Współpracuje z Duchem Świętym, który czasem szepcze mu na ucho zalecając nowe dogmaty. Jeśli papież coś postanowi – Duch Święty musi tego usłuchać: gdy papież zniósł dogmat o otchłani, do której trafiają nieochrzczone dzieci, Duch Święty musiał ją zlikwidować. To następstwo faktu, iż papież jest nieomylny, o czym mówi także jeden z dogmatów. Nikt nie wie czy był nieomylny już zanim powstał dogmat nieomylności, ale chyba tak, bo jeśli nie, dogmat ten nie byłby wiarygodny już sam w sobie. Należy więc jasno powiedzieć, że wszyscy papieże, również Ci powołujący do życia różne święte inicjatywy (takie jak krucjaty, czy Inkwizycja) mieli niepodważalną rację i działali pod natchnieniem Ducha Świętego. Warto zauważyć, że nawet jeśli jeden papież wprost stwierdza, że drugi się mylił, to i tak obaj mają rację. Niezbadane są ścieżki Pana.

Papież ma mnóstwo uprawnień, może przemawiać do ludzi, pozwalać się całować w pierścień i przyjmować podarki od władców i prezydentów z całego świata. Z tych ciekawszych, może dawać ekskomuniki, klątwy, zakazy odpustów i, co najgorsze, podnieść dziesięcinę.

W celu uproszczenia powyższego naukowo-encyklopedycznego języka można porównać papieża do Papy Smerfa. Jego zadaniem jest wyznaczać prawa, pilnować i bronić tłumu małych, naiwnych, niebieskich stworków przed wysłańcami złych mocy.

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Przysłowia

  • Być w Rzymie i papieża nie widzieć – być noobem i ciotą.
  • Być bardziej katolicki niż sam papież – być katolikiem w Polsce.
  • Papież jest cierpliwy – możesz mu gadać, co chcesz. Zazwyczaj jest stary i nie słyszy.
  • Papież się nie rumieni – papież ma gdzieś, co o nim napisało Bravo, bo może obłożyć je ekskomuniką.

Formy grzecznościowe i zwroty w stosunku do papieża

  • Panie papieżu – polecane dla Żydów i sympatyków.
  • Obywatelu papieżu – polecane dla komunistów bez pochodzenia żydowskiego.
  • Proszę pana – zwrot zalecony dla osób wyznających poprawność polityczną.
  • Wasza ekscelencjo – głównie dla lizusów i innych dupowłazów

Język watykański

Info.png Główny artykuł: Język watykański

Za rządów papieża Benedykta XVI językiem urzędowym w Watykanie był język watykański. Mimo że jest on już wymarłym językiem (od kiedy papież zrobił sobie wolne abdykował), warto poświęcić chwilę na zgłębienie artykułu o nim.

Transport

Poprzedni papieże nie potrafili się teleportować, więc poruszali się przy pomocy pojazdu Papamobile.[2] W rzeczywistości pojazd ten jest przybyłym z kosmosu transformerem, który zstąpił na ziemię, żeby ochraniać jej mieszkańców i wytłumaczyć o co chodzi z tą miłością bliźniego. Transformer ten może przybierać różne kształty: autobusu MZK, ortodoksyjnego meczetu lub czołgu.

Papamobile ma rejestrację SAT666 i może rozwinąć zawrotną prędkość 666 km/h, jednak w związku z tym, że w Watykanie obowiązuje zakaz jazdy samochodem, papież może nim jeździć tylko po zakupy do Rzymu[3]

Historia transportu papieży

Na przestrzeni wieków możemy zaobserwować, że papieże przemieszczali się już prawie każdym możliwym środkiem lokomocji, np.:

  • św. Piotr – na piechotę, również po wodzie;
  • św. Linus – promem kosmicznym;[4]
  • św. Cletus – dzięki mocy tworzącej laserowy dysk napędzany napędem pulsarowym;
  • św. Pius I – na wielkim, zmutowanym gołębiu, uratowanym wprost z Arki Noego;
  • św. Pius II – na dwóch takich gołębiach;
  • św. Urban – miejskim autobusem, a w nocy taksówką;
  • św. Marek – na szczerozłotym koniu, którego ufundowali mu parafianie;
  • św. Bonifacy – łodzią podwodną lub na hulajnodze;
  • św. Grzegorz I – podróżował z taborem cygańskim;
  • św. Leon II – Airbusem;[5]
  • Aleksander VI – jeździł na własnej córce
  • Pius XII – czołgiem;
  • Jan XXIII – złotą karetą zaprzężoną w sześć szczerozłotych koni;
  • Paweł VI – na smoku ziejącym ogniem;
  • Jan Paweł I – jako wersja demo nie posiadał środka lokomocji;
  • Jan Paweł II – na transformersie, zwanym też Papamobilem;
  • Benedykt XVI – posiadł zdolność teleportacji, jednak nadal jeździ papamobilem.
  • Franciszek – przemieszcza się pieszo, w internecie, także telepatycznie pomiędzy umysłami. Posiada zdolność psychokinezy, jeździ renault 4, ewentualnie papamobilem JPII

Słynni papas

Galeria

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NonNews
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Przypisy

  1. Inni bogowie, np. Latający Potwór Spaghetti i Allah, temu zaprzeczają
  2. z łaciny ruchomy ojciec. Nazwa sugeruje, że papież potrafi się poruszać. Nie każdy może tak powiedzieć o swoim starym, gdy widzi go leżącego z browarem na kanapie.
  3. W Watykanie nie obowiązuje zakaz handlu w niedzielę, ale też nie ma tam żadnych sklepów.
  4. do mniejszych parafii docierał na spadochronie wprost z troposfery.
  5. przeżył prawie wszystkie katastrofy.